guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
