I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize