i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
