I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
