My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
