there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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