Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
