So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize