u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
