Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
