well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize