she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
