After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
