Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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