Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
