Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
