barbara walters just said penis...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
