____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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