Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
