I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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