He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize