I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
