Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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