Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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