I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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