You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
