I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i drank out of a bidet.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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