You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
