i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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