I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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