My Higher Power is John Stamos
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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