Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize