you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
