She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
