Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
