Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
