i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
