take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
