forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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