Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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