I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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