Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
