It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
