I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
