if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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