Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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