I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
