I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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