Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
