I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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