We're like a lot better than the average bears
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't want my vagina anymore.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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