yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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