he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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