Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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