Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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