Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize